For starters

Almost everyone thinks about losing weight at New Years. A lot of people make a commitment to begin January 1. In this respect I was different. I had thought about weight loss. I'm always thinking about weight loss, but I wasn't thinking seriously and had no commitment in mind. On January 4th, I returned to work on the school bus. My monitor shared the plan he has for weight loss: eat a small breakfast, starve through the day, eat dinner. Though I knew that this was not a real plan for success, I felt somehow that the gauntlet had been thrown down.

I've come to understand, through the years, that weight loss can be a competitive sport. Tell your friends you're dieting and expect to receive a gift from them at the next chocolate holiday. Tell your mom you're dieting and she'll load the Sunday table with everyones favorite foods and show her support by giving you a salad with low calorie dressing. After the blessing she'll announce she's been walking 5 miles a day and ask you to pass the salad while everyone else is loading up on mashed potatoes and gravy. Perhaps she thinks she is being supportive, but she really doesn't want to end up the fattest person in the room next Christmas. Yeah, that sounds a little harsh, especially after all the hard work she put into the chocolate carob pudding so I could enjoy desert while the rest of the family had cheesecake. I'm sure she wasn't singling me out, she had some too... just a spoon full before she got up to clear the table.

I'm as competitive as the next person. Everyone wants to win, to succeed, to be celebrated. I had a growing resentment building inside me about the loneliness that only fat people can understand. Fat people are hated. Not many people are overt about it, but occasionally you'll hear someone comment. The words aren't as telling as the look on their faces. The look that a strong odor just wafted over from the landfill. But the look reflects their feelings about a person. A person who is fat. Most people, however, simply avoid fat people. They leave them alone. They choose not to include them. Some of these people may be naturally shy, and can excuse themselves by saying "that fat person over there is just another person I don't know and am uncomfortable approaching". But if the person was skinny, well dressed, you know, one of the beautiful people, shy people would find a way to come out of their shell. Yeah, I guess you could say I'm bitter.

Bitterness isn't always a bad thing. If you can turn that bitterness to anger, and then use that anger to motivate yourself to make changes, it can become sweet; Bittersweet. On January 4th, bittersweet combined with competitiveness and a desire not to be left behind. I decided to make a commitment. I will become one of the beautiful people. Well as beautiful as you can be when your 50th birthday is looming in the not so distant future. I have more than 100 pounds to lose. I'm ready to start with that. I can re-evaluate when that goal approaches. I have challenges to face along the way. Foot problems, knee problems, some arthritis here and there, all combine to make exercise difficult. Unfortunately, I can not thrive on 500 calories a day so exercise is required, and important to combat arthritis. Pain will be part of the experience, but I do not fear it.

Next post: How determination, diet and exercise result in January's 12 pound weight loss.